Secrets
by always-kh
Summary: Another lie. I was disgusted with how easily they rolled off my tongue now, how convincing they sounded, but I couldn’t stop, didn’t want to stop. But it scared me;it was addictive, like a drug,trying to become the perfect girl... and slowly killing me


Here I am wondering how I got here, how it all began, remembering that night.

"Do you want something to eat sweetie?" the woman offered me some food.

I smiled sweetly, "I'm not feeling well right now, but I'll be fine. Maybe later." Another lie. I was disgusted with how easily they rolled off my tongue now, how convincing they sounded, but I couldn't stop, didn't want to stop. It filled me with self-loathing. I _wanted_ to stop sometimes. Sometimes I scared myself. But _it_ scared me more; it was addictive, like a drug, reaching an ever lower weight, trying to become the perfect girl.

And it was working. I could feel the appreciative eyes on me. No one saw through these lies; I made it through the day. Through all the food. Never once did I succumb. I varied my lies, my excuse of my stomach not feeling quite well with that I'd already eaten before I'd left.

Those lies always worked. And when I went home I would always say I'd eaten at the party, and couldn't _possibly_ eat now. And it had paid off so well. Another girl approached me, "You look so good, how do you stay so slim? Is it a new diet?"

I felt my own worth rise in my own eyes, because I'd risen in hers. I was no longer the girl in the corners, the loner, the one everyone whispered about, the butt of so many jokes and pranks... and I hated it, hated myself for being so pathetic. And that hadn't changed much really now had it? I'd hated myself then and now. But some things had changed because at least now I mattered at least a little. I was now Namine Snow, the girl in the spotlight, the girl every guy wanted to date and all the girls were jealous of, the girl invited to the most parties. I felt good, happy, fulfilled, even if just for a moment. And I loved it, craved it. And the only way to maintain it was to stop eating. To remain thin.

My deepest fear was gaining even one single pound, because then would everyone stop liking me if I was no longer this new me? What if I became grossly overweight? I knew it ran in my family. I would do whatever it took to avoid that. To earn their love. To retain it.

But these people here all around me, the ones I smile to. Do they know? Would they ever guess that when I'm alone at night I lock myself in my room and cry? Because I feel so empty. And no one hears me cry. Or ever will. Because do they even care about _me_?

The first day I chose not to eat... I don't know _when_ it began, but I know _why_. I felt so ugly. And the boy I'd liked, the boy I'd crushed on for so long, had ignored me. I was crushed, but it had only gotten worse, the teasing, the names, and then someone called me fat. Those were the reasons I began this. I know I should have known better, I don't need all the constant reminders of that. I knew it was stupid, dangerous, and so much more... but I didn't care. I hungered for their attention, their love. Because if they loved me maybe I would too.

After I went home I felt hungry-- that is nothing new, hunger is my only constant companion. I gulp down glasses of water to try and fill my stomach. I begin feeling lightheaded... that is new. My legs begin to wobble like a newborn calf, the room starts to wobble and spin as well, and then everything fades to black.

"Namine! Namine honey are you okay?!" I see my mom peering at me with anxious, sad eyes. "I came home and you'd passed out." She looked at me again examining me, "Why are you so thin? I can see your ribs." She gazed at me, eyes rimmed with tears and I knew she understood and that I'd hurt her deeply. I wanted to say 'I'm sorry', but the words wouldn't come, so instead I looked back at her.

And that is how I ended up here. Years have passed since then and I still struggle with it. It still is not a thing of the past. It is still a fight every day, and I need you to know that. To realize I cannot be fixed so easily.

But I'm still trying.

There are days I feel better, where everything's fine, and I feel hope. Because together maybe these problems can be overcome. I still have the help of my family, of Kairi, my cousin who stays over whenever I need her, of my friends, my real friends that is, most of those I'd called friends left when I ended up in a psych ward for observation, and being placed with a shrink. But the ones who stayed... they're the ones I can always count on. Always and forever. No matter what I do. No matter what I've done.

But there are days when it's not okay. Days when I will still skip meals. And I need their help so much. So I'm letting go. Of this image of myself. Of the old me. But I can't do it alone. So it's good I'm not on my own. That secret kept me apart from them. Our secrets isolate us from the ones we care about, the ones who care about us. As I fell deeper into my starvation diets I'd pushed them away, afraid they'd discover my secrets.

Now that the walls are crumbling I know I'll get through this eventually. I don't know when. It may be soon and it may not be. I may stumble, I may even fall, but I won't stay on the ground when I have so many others to help me. It may not be easy, but together we'll make it through I know.

* * *

A/N

this is dedicated to any of those who have struggled/are struggling with an eating disorder

if you are struggling with an eating disorder i encourage you to get help-- you're not on your own--you need to let others know

And if someone comes to you telling you this don't moralize and scold: Do you think we don't know? That it is a sign of weakness? It is a disease that distorts the mind. If you don't understand it, if you have never faced it, then how can you judge?

okay that's it

lemme know what you think. i know the topic is rather serious. i tried to make the portrayal realistic but probably failed

this fic is inspired by a song by superchick titled courage, by all those who suffer from eating disorders, and because i heard someone saying something that really pissed me off today (that many psychological 'illnesses' are just excuses for bad behavior-- and the evidence this woman tried to provide? that some of these things were not diagnosed 30 years ago. so by that logic then b/f cancer was diagnosed it didn't exist?!). excuse me for my disbelief.


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